Scattered
Itinerant

There are times when I feel the presence and conviction of God in little glimpses. The tender whispers, gentle rebukes, and momentary revelations of the evil in my heart. Then there are times when it seems like the Lord flips on the light in the junk room.

You all know the room I'm talking about. Maybe you don't have a room in your house, but maybe it's a drawer. It's the place you hope your guests don't peek into after a frenzied rush to try to clean the rest of your house. The junk spot is the place that continually makes it on your "To Do" list, but overwhelms you just jotting the task down on paper.

If a friend were to see it they would know that you may not just have it all together. That the organized and put together facade you put on may not be the complete story. If they peeked into the closed-off space they may find things you meant to get to but didn't, things you should not have bought but did, and dust and/or cobwebs that you did not know you had allowed to accumulate.

A while back the Lord began to knock on the door to this room. I heard the rapping for years, but could not bring myself to open up the closed off space. In gentleness, the Spirit began to speak to me. "He is enough. Put my trust in Him."

While I only intended to crack open the door it flung open wide, and God turned on the light. In the darkness my fear of man hid. Never would I have admitted to the clutter and junk this room had in it, but God's sweet promises whispered of my freedom, renewal, and hope in my exposure.

Inside of the darkest room of my heart was a terrible fear of man. For years I constantly obsessed over what people thought of me as a friend, wife, mother, Christian, and family member. The fear progressed into social anxiety, and I no longer wanted to dress the way I loved to, speak in front of groups, or hang out with multiple people at once. Dreams I had diminished, and slowly I started agreeing to things and taking on responsibilities that I once would not have felt obligated to do. The bold personality I once had was exchanged for sinful desire to be accepted and affirmed.

While I was desperately trying to hold it together on the outside, I was creating a bigger mess in that chaotic corner of my heart. Sure I played with my children, served my husband, cooked, cleaned, and taught homeschooling lessons, but the terrible fear and insecurity that gripped -still grips- me was consuming.

This blog is me turning on the light for the world to see. I know I'm not the only one with clutter in their hearts that they hope no one else sees. Moment-by-moment the Lord is reminding me of His sufficiency. The work I do is not done in my own strength. Whatever beauty I hold is His creation. The clothes that adorn my body are decoration not a definition. My children grow, learn, and obey by His will alone. What fear can I have when I realize everything I do and experience is by God's mercy and grace.

There is hope for me - for all of us. He is enough. So boldly I say, "The Lord is our Helper." (Heb 13:6)