10/25/2008

Broken Filter

Over the last few months I have started to lose my desire to please people. For years I have begged the Lord to help me overcome my fear of man, and to help me walk in the confidence of the person I know myself to be. Well it's happening and it is strange for me to go through.

I find myself wearing the outfit I love even though I know Brandon doesn't like it. I'm admitting, without a list of reasons, that I don't really like music. I have started to say "excuse me" instead of "I'm sorry" when I take up too much space in the grocery store isles. When people ask me my opinion I'm learning to share it with tact but without apology.

I have tried to analyze the many reasons for the shift in my thinking , and much of my desired change came with the birth of my daughter. If I want my daughter to grow up as a Godly, confident, strong, and free thinking woman then I must strive, by the grace of God, to be that person myself. I will give Selah her first idea of what a woman is, and knowing those little eyes are watching makes me rush to Jesus.

In the last week I have also prayed that God keep my eyes on Him and not on Selah. I can't change because Selah needs me to be different. Change must come because God has given me a little girl to train up in His ways, and His kingdom is upside down from the world in which we live.

It will take time to undo what I have told myself people want from me. Days, months, or years may come and go before I erase from my mind what society tells me women are meant to be. I may always struggle with my self image; however, I am willing to fight this war if it means my daughter doesn't have to.

4 comments:

mooce said...

hooray! hooray! can't wait to hear you kick ass! hooray! hooray!

mooce said...

p.s. i still don't know what an 'itinerant' is. have to google that.

mooce said...

"For the word itinerant used to describe electrons from free-electron metals, see jellium."

Jellium??? I love Jellium!!!!

wtf?

Niccole said...

You're a dork!

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/itinerant

look under "noun"