Scattered
Itinerant

There are times when I feel the presence and conviction of God in little glimpses. The tender whispers, gentle rebukes, and momentary revelations of the evil in my heart. Then there are times when it seems like the Lord flips on the light in the junk room.

You all know the room I'm talking about. Maybe you don't have a room in your house, but maybe it's a drawer. It's the place you hope your guests don't peek into after a frenzied rush to try to clean the rest of your house. The junk spot is the place that continually makes it on your "To Do" list, but overwhelms you just jotting the task down on paper.

If a friend were to see it they would know that you may not just have it all together. That the organized and put together facade you put on may not be the complete story. If they peeked into the closed-off space they may find things you meant to get to but didn't, things you should not have bought but did, and dust and/or cobwebs that you did not know you had allowed to accumulate.

A while back the Lord began to knock on the door to this room. I heard the rapping for years, but could not bring myself to open up the closed off space. In gentleness, the Spirit began to speak to me. "He is enough. Put my trust in Him."

While I only intended to crack open the door it flung open wide, and God turned on the light. In the darkness my fear of man hid. Never would I have admitted to the clutter and junk this room had in it, but God's sweet promises whispered of my freedom, renewal, and hope in my exposure.

Inside of the darkest room of my heart was a terrible fear of man. For years I constantly obsessed over what people thought of me as a friend, wife, mother, Christian, and family member. The fear progressed into social anxiety, and I no longer wanted to dress the way I loved to, speak in front of groups, or hang out with multiple people at once. Dreams I had diminished, and slowly I started agreeing to things and taking on responsibilities that I once would not have felt obligated to do. The bold personality I once had was exchanged for sinful desire to be accepted and affirmed.

While I was desperately trying to hold it together on the outside, I was creating a bigger mess in that chaotic corner of my heart. Sure I played with my children, served my husband, cooked, cleaned, and taught homeschooling lessons, but the terrible fear and insecurity that gripped -still grips- me was consuming.

This blog is me turning on the light for the world to see. I know I'm not the only one with clutter in their hearts that they hope no one else sees. Moment-by-moment the Lord is reminding me of His sufficiency. The work I do is not done in my own strength. Whatever beauty I hold is His creation. The clothes that adorn my body are decoration not a definition. My children grow, learn, and obey by His will alone. What fear can I have when I realize everything I do and experience is by God's mercy and grace.

There is hope for me - for all of us. He is enough. So boldly I say, "The Lord is our Helper." (Heb 13:6)

Each finger painting, playing-with-dolls, dinosaur attack and laughing spell that comes my way I want to savor. In a clean house. School is home for us, and I want to embrace it. While having a moment to myself. As Brandon pursues I long to respond. After getting all of my other "duties" done.

So it is. My desires are at war within me, and I am learning I cannot do and have it all. Ideals have to be let go. I am okay with that as I understand I am not on my own.

Colossians 1:29 says, " Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is in Christ's afflictions for the sake of His body, that is, the church, of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to His saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone will all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me."

His grace is enough. He works in me to enable to do what I am called to do. Even in my weakness. The Lord has shown me that I need people, and their gifts and talents. It is not a mark of my shortcomings, but a sign of how God created us to have a healthy dependence on people. God has not called me to be a loving wife and mother, a teacher, friend, or shepherd to leave me to figure it out on my own. He powerfully works within me. Grace.

The streams of living water which flow from Jerusalem are not dried up by the parching heats of sultry midsummer any more than they were frozen by the cold winds of blustering winter. Rejoice, O my soul, that thou art spared to testify of the faithfulness of the Lord. The seasons change and thou changest, but thy Lord abides evermore the same, and the streams of His love are as deep, as broad and as full as ever. The heats of business cares and scorching trials make me need the cooling influences of the river of His grace; I may go at once and drink to the full from the inexhaustible fountain, for in summer and in winter it pours forth its flood. The upper springs are never scanty, and blessed be the name of the Lord, the nether springs cannot fail either. Elijah found Cherith dry up, but Jehovah was still the same God of providence. Job said his brethren were like deceitful brooks, but he found his God an overflowing river of consolation. The Nile is the great confidence of Egypt, but its floods are variable; our Lord is evermore the same. By turning the course of the Euphrates, Cyrus took the city of Babylon, but no power, human or infernal, can divert the current of divine grace. The tracks of ancient rivers have been found all dry and desolate, but the streams which take their rise on the mountains of divine sovereignty and infinite love shall ever be full to the brim. Generations melt away, but the course of grace is unaltered. The river of God may sing with greater truth than the brook in the poem—-

"Men may come, and men may go,
But I go on for ever."

How happy art thou, my soul, to be led beside such still waters! never wander to other streams, lest thou hear the Lord's rebuke, "What hast thou to do in the way of Egypt to drink of the muddy river?"

A precious friend of mine, Elyse, had a baby shower on Saturday. Elyse's variety of friends is a convicting picture of what the body of Christ looks like. The Harlows are some of the most amazing people one could know, and their home is open to anyone. (Just know that you will probably end up talking about Jesus and natural childbirth.)

While at the baby shower I met Dawn. She is strikingly beautiful, animated, passionately in love with Jesus, and covered in tattoos. We started talking about embroidery, and ended up discussing our shockingly similar stories. After hours of conversation, I was reminded that God is not a respecter of people, and that the church is larger than those I worship with on Sundays. I also walked away convicted to not be timid in sharing what I know to be true of God, and challenged to start writing again.

I am thankful that the Lord has opened my eyes to see the beauty of opportunity. Opportunities to grow, to nurture, to love, to weed-out, to stumble, and to learn. I am so thankful for old and new friends that point me towards Christ.