Scattered
Itinerant

There's so much to write, and such little time to sit down and do so. My mind spins until I remember to breathe. "Rejoice" rings in my ears followed by a smile sweeping across my face. A gracious God stills my heart and the clock still ticks.

All of these pictures were taken within 1 month of the kids being the same age. After being asked if Selah looks like Elias I had to post pictures.

Elias walks out and sees presents under the tree and exclaims, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

I explain that his birthday comes after Christmas.

Let down, he asks, "Den what are dos presents for?"

I tell him, "Those presents are for Christmas."

My sweet son looks at me like I need a reminder and says, "Dat doesn't make naaaany sense. Christmas is Jesus' birfday. Why do we get presents on Jesus' birfday?"

I have yet to come come up with an answer for that one that he will accept.

Something I never dreamed of, but is now all I want. Being a homemaker is an art, a role that never ends, and rewarding in the small and quiet ways. The job doesn't pay well, my work often goes unnoticed until it's not done, and it can become mundane. I have minimized and mocked the very thing I am called to do.

However, my job is fulfilling. When I look around and see my home cozy and clean there is satisfaction. My day is filled full of questions from toddlers, giggles while doing tasks that would be boring if kids weren't involved, and lessons on cooking and bugs. I enjoy being presentable when my husband comes home from work. There is a comfort in knowing that my family wants to be in their home because - just like all of their things - they have a place here. It is nice to know that I have finally learned how to cook meals that are not only palatable but enjoyable.

For too long I was deceived in my thinking that because I'm a stay-at-home-mom that I somehow settled or sold myself short. Sewing, decorating and organizing have all become hobbies of mine, but I still enjoy good books and adult conversations. World events and global atrocities still get me going. My mind still challenges the way things are, and I still have the courage to change the things I do not like. I still am a free-thinking woman, and one that freely chose an often over-looked profession.

Learning to take pride in my many roles is my first personal goal right now. My home is far from being perfect or in order, but the desire to do my job with excellence is now there. I pray that I no longer settle for "good-enough," or procrastinate because there is always tomorrow.

Yesterday I was feeling some Mommy guilt about the time I have not been able to spend with the boys lately. Between nursing Selah, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, and keeping a house - quite a bit of our "fun time" has been put on the back burner. I decided after breakfast yesterday that the boys and I were going to have some fun.

Elias has two shows that he loves now - "Sid the Science Kid" and "Super WHY!" When "Super WHY!" was over yesterday I told the boys it was time to turn off the television. Elias walks over to turn off the t.v. and looks at me with all sincerity and says, "I guess you need to play with me now." I laughed and agreed.

His choice of play was playing "Super WHY!" and I had to be his "Princess Presto." We changed story after story, but my favorite was when Elias changed our vacuum from loud to quiet and with excitement he told me he wouldn't be scared of the vacuum anymore. That took us to lunch, but the boys wore capes and told stories most of the day.

Last night, as I was making dinner, Elias stopped by the kitchen doorway to say, "Mommy, today was such a beautiful day together!" I melted and was instantly reminded of the most important things in life. It's not about how clean my house is, but the memories we create within this house. I love when my kids teach me such wonderful lessons!

Over the last few months I have started to lose my desire to please people. For years I have begged the Lord to help me overcome my fear of man, and to help me walk in the confidence of the person I know myself to be. Well it's happening and it is strange for me to go through.

I find myself wearing the outfit I love even though I know Brandon doesn't like it. I'm admitting, without a list of reasons, that I don't really like music. I have started to say "excuse me" instead of "I'm sorry" when I take up too much space in the grocery store isles. When people ask me my opinion I'm learning to share it with tact but without apology.

I have tried to analyze the many reasons for the shift in my thinking , and much of my desired change came with the birth of my daughter. If I want my daughter to grow up as a Godly, confident, strong, and free thinking woman then I must strive, by the grace of God, to be that person myself. I will give Selah her first idea of what a woman is, and knowing those little eyes are watching makes me rush to Jesus.

In the last week I have also prayed that God keep my eyes on Him and not on Selah. I can't change because Selah needs me to be different. Change must come because God has given me a little girl to train up in His ways, and His kingdom is upside down from the world in which we live.

It will take time to undo what I have told myself people want from me. Days, months, or years may come and go before I erase from my mind what society tells me women are meant to be. I may always struggle with my self image; however, I am willing to fight this war if it means my daughter doesn't have to.

I was tremendously blessed to have Brandon's Mom here for 23 days to help me transition from 2 to 3 kids. She stayed while B was out of town, and took over care of the boys and upkeep of the house. I don't think she will ever know what a huge blessing she was to me.

Today was my first day alone since Selah has been born. I was nervous last night, but was not about to admit it. I kept track of my day for anyone interested in what having two toddler boys and newborn looks like on Day 1 of flying solo:

8:15 a.m. - Selah wakes up and begins an hour long nursing session

9:00 a.m. - Boys wake-up and want their oatmeal so I proceed to make oatmeal with sweet Baby Girl latched on.

9:15 a.m. - Boys start eating and Selah longs to stare at her Mommy until her 1st major poop explosion

10 a.m. - Morning Nap time for Ms. Selah, read books with boys, and color some pictures to send to Ya-Ya

10:15, 10:38, 10:45 - Selah wakes up rooting for a snack

10:30 a.m. - Clean out fridge, boys play dinosaurs (o.k. - Elias plays dinosaurs and Josiah screams as though he's starring in Jurrassic Park)

11:00 a.m. - Hurry to get boy's lunches ready so lunches are made when Selah wakes up

11:30 a.m. - Fold diapers, wrestle dryer balls away from Josiah, cleaned mashed oatmeal off the floor, sweep floors, attempt other chores

12:00 p.m. - Lunch for Selah, lunch for the boys, convince Josiah he wants his pretzels and not his brother's, and pour two cups of water all while Selah eats.

12:30 p.m. - Get Selah back down for a nap, clean up lunch, finally eat my breakfast (????) of peanut butter toast and Zen Green Tea.

1:00 p.m. - Get boys down for their naps, clean our bedroom, and put away Brandon's clothes from trip

1:30 p.m. - Decide to climb into bed for a little nap, Selah smells food within a 10 foot vicinity and decides she needs to eat.

2:00-2:30 p.m. - #2 poop explosion for Selah, she wakes up and we stare at each other until she starts wailing from gas....

2:30-almost 3 p.m. - Try to get Selah to burp, but she goes to sleep instead

3:00 p.m. - boys wake up and we eat snack (wheat saltines w/ peanut butter), we play with helicopters, and they cooked for Mommy in their play kitchen (I got to rest between "prep times" on Eli's bed)

3:30 p.m. - Nurse Selah, Clean Selah's room, and start to put things back in place in her room.

4:30 p.m. - Start getting dinner ready, and cleaning up toys throughout the house.

5:30 p.m. - Dinner is cooking, boys have survived the day, Selah is sleeping in the swing, chore list is done, and Mama isn't tooooooo overwhelmed.

I obviously have not been keeping up with my blog for the last couple of weeks so I thought I would take a few minutes to check in.

Selah is precious. Every day I think I love her more than I did the day before. We're having some tummy/gas issues, and I'm trying to narrow down what foods may be bothering her. Chamomile tea and homeopathic nux vomica and chamomilla have been my best friends for the last week.

Elias is in love with his little sister and cannot stop kissing her. He "needs" to check on her several times a day, and always makes sure to let me know when she makes the slightest whimper. He can often be overheard saying, "It's okay baby sister, I'm right here." It melts this mama's heart.

Josiah is also doing really well. The problems we anticipated have not really been an issue, and he has actually made great progress "using his words" in the last two weeks. He'll always be a mama's boy and we're in no hurry to change that.

Brandon is still in Minneapolis for the training for his new job (YAY!). He started with C.H. Robinson on September 1st and had to leave for a 2 week training on the 14th. Having a newborn without my husband around has been hard, but I thank God for the new job and new opportunities.

I have also been blessed by having my mother-in-law come and stay with us for the time that Brandon is gone. She has taken over care of the boys and the house which has been a tremendous help after sleepless nights. The boys love having their YaYa here, and that has obviously helped with the transition.

Selah and I also went and checked out a new home group at our church last night. I loved it and Selah slept in her sling for most of the time. Walking into the group yesterday felt like getting together with old friends, and I look forward to getting to know new people and growing closer to the Lord through fellowship.

That's all I have for now, but hopefully I'll get back to blogging soon.

Selah (Pause and think on the things of God) Raelle (Sees God, Princess of God)

8 lbs 14 0z

21" long

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I woke up around 4:45 a.m. With the same contractions that I had been having for nearly two weeks. Of course I couldn't go back to sleep so I just sat around waiting for them to tinker out or pick up. By 6:30 a.m. The contractions started to pick up and I started to think that I could really be in labor. Brandon left for his second day at a new job at 6:45 a.m. With me telling him I would call if I thought there was anything to the contractions, and just as he was pulling into the parking lot of work I called to tell him that I was sure this was it.

Brandon came home, and got the boys ready to go to my friend Crissi's house. They were thrilled to go play with their friends, and when I told them their sister was coming it was a non-issue. It took about an hour to get the boys ready and out the door, and by that time my contractions tinkered. I paced in front of our house hoping to get contractions kick started again before my midwife showed up.

My midwife showed up around 10 a.m. And I was already in the tub. I got into the tub too early and stalled my contractions a bit. I was anxious to know that I was really in labor so I had Brandon help me get dressed and we went for a walk. The walk was all I needed. Contractions picked back up and we came home.

The next four hours were very calm and truly my dream labor. I was laughing with Brandon, my midwife, her daughter (assistant), and my friend Jenny between contractions. I used many coping techniques to get through the pain. Hypnobabies kept me focused on relaxing, worship music was so very comforting, and Brandon massaging me was the physical relief and intimacy that I needed.

At 1:30 p.m. I became very antsy about the way things were going. I thought because the contractions didn't hurt, they were more like pressure, that my body wasn't doing anything. I was ready to get things going and to have my baby.

By 2 p.m. The back labor started and I felt baby girl slide under my pubic bone. I started to have the feeling that I couldn't do it anymore, and my midwife suggested that if it felt better to push with the contractions to try pushing, but if not to wait. I tried, and it didn't feel better. I had a tiny cervical lip that was preventing her from coming down. I labored until approximately 2:45 p.m. With intense back pain, and trying to tell everyone I was ready for the hospital.

At 2:45 p.m. I started to push and our sweet baby girl was birthed into water at 2:59 p.m. I was in total shock that she was in my arms. I was instantly in love.

While everyone was admiring our daughter I started to feel pretty poorly. The last thing I remember is telling my midwife that my face was twitching. I started to have a mild seizure, they had to cut the cord and get me out of the tub. My blood pressure went too low, but I recovered quickly. I also had a significant amount of blood loss after I birthed the placenta. I had to take two rounds of methergine to get my uterus to contract faster and reduce the bleeding. Praise God all was well and I was in the hands of a wonderful midwife.

This was by far the most beautiful and intimate labor and birth I have had. I felt God's presence so strongly, and there was such a peace in our home. Brandon did an amazing job of supporting me in labor, and I really feel that we bonded on a whole new level.

She is not a fresh start or a second chance. She is not the fulfillment of something I never had. She is the little girl God is lending me. I am highly unqualified, an unsuitable prospect and yet I am her Mother. Guide me as I learn, help me when I stumble, and rejoice with me as the Lord nourishes and sustains us.

Elias is known for saying some wonderfully funny things, but I must share the comment from the breakfast table this morning. The boys decided to wake up early enough to catch Sesame Street and so I flipped it on for them. Rachel Ray is a guest on the show and she starts to talk about pumpernickel bread and how pumpernickel starts with the letter "p."

I ask Elias, "Eli, can you say pumpernickel?"

Elias: "Punterickle"

I repeat: "Pumpernickel"

Elias: "Mama! I can't say punterickle because I'm not a girl yet. I'm a boy right now, but when I'm a girl I will say punterickle."

Sunday was Josiah's 2nd birthday and we had such a wonderful day! Brandon and I took the boys to a splash park in The Colony, and the boys had tremendous fun. Elias ran in circles around the play equipment making sure to get drenched by each waterfall. Josiah ran from one end of the kiddie pool to the next until Mommy's back couldn't handle any more. That evening a few of the boy's friends were able to join us for cupcakes and a balloon fest.

Some Pictures:

And the funniest of all: THE BIRD LADY!

I have been working on making a pouch sling for 3 hours this morning. My boys had plenty of time to create their mess, and the mess I made with fabric could have been easily solved had I seen this video earlier:

How to Make a Pouch Sling