Scattered
Itinerant

The last couple of blogs have sparked some phone calls and emails wondering if Brandon and I are okay. We're at a strange impasse in our marriage. Life with 3 kids is hard. Being a Godly wife is a challenge. As a husband, I'm sure leading a family is difficult. It seems as though we're growing up, and putting our childish ways behind us. After five years of marriage I guess it's about time.

The Lord has been revealing a lot to me over the last two months, and I'm starting to feel the walls around my heart crumble. For years there has been a deep rooted desire to submit to my husband; however, the idea of "submitting" made the feminist in me rear it's head and proclaim my equality. It has not been through reading Scripture that my heart has been softened, or truthfully even through prayer. Our pastor has not preached a remarkable sermon on "being a Godly wife" lately; yet, I find myself desiring to serve my husband, make his home one he wants to come home to, and to encourage and acknowledge his hard work.

I could give credit to Brandon for the change I have seen in him. He has been asking for forgiveness often, understanding of my hard days and bad attitudes, and he has been helping around the house plenty. The growth I have seen in my husband has been encouraging to me, but I know that's not the sole reason for the shift our marriage.

It has been the Lord wooing my heart, healing my wounds, and changing my thoughts. I can't pin down specific times or events, but there has been this deep understanding of who God is in my life. My emotions have been softened, and my eyes have been opened when I have stopped to think about my own depravity and short-comings. Our home is changing, and Brandon and I are both learning what it is to love one another in Christ.

To my knowledge, we have not done anything to bring about this change. We have read books and been to counselors in the past, and none have had the results of what is happening now. There have been painful moments, and hours of mourning, but the joy that follows is unfathomable.

If you know us well you know this is truly a God thing. Please stand with us in prayer that this will be more than a season. Pray that God will continue this work in our hearts, and that we will receive the lessons He has for us. We also pray that our friends and family have this experience.

Thanks for the calls and emails. We love our brothers and sisters in Christ that are willing to go the distance with us.

the dripping of the faucet
drives any man to madness
finding defeat in his attempts
she grumbles at the effort
hope is splashing down the drain
with every leaking complaint
he has walked into his desert

the hoarseness of her voice
reveal the burden of her words
never ceasing, rarely gracious
he climbs the ladder
makes a pallet atop shingles
from his pillow he counts the stars
certain her dissatisfaction is greater

With futile attempts to please
he realizes he's grasping at oil;
trying to calm the wild winds
she cannot see his love
so he performs to exhaustion
and his role and honor are lost
perpetuating her disrespect

I read Sacred Marriage over a year ago, but have recently started to skim it again. The book, written by Gary Thomas, presses down on so many areas of my life. Each time I pick up the book I am reminded of my calling as a wife and the true intention of marriage.

The running theme through the book is "marriage is not about my happiness but about my call to holiness." The idea that Brandon cannot and will not make me happy goes against everything that society screams. I have often heard people going through a separation or divorce say "I just wasn't happy anymore" or "we just fell out of love." Brandon is not the source of my joy, but rather a wonderful bonus to what I have in the Lord. When I stop putting the expectation on Brandon to make me happy it stops making him an idol in my life.

I, self-admittedly, need a lot of affirmation. It is one of my biggest struggles, and I get bent when I don't receive the praise I think I deserve. When the Lord revealed to me the depth of my depravity and the extent of my selfishness I crumbled. This is another pressure I often put on Brandon, but I find when I am seeking and spending time with God that I am driven to serve my family regardless of the praise I do or do not receive.

I am attempting to learn to get Brandon off of the pedestal I have him on. When I start to allow his actions or words, whether positive or negative, to effect my actions or speech I lose sight of who I am in Christ. Like all couples, Brandon and I have had our ups and downs but I can't lose sight that our marriage is meant to bring God glory.