Scattered
Itinerant

There are days when I wonder what we got ourselves into, and question if there will be relief. I distract myself from reality by dreaming of far off homes with acreage, streaming water, and livestock. Or a home in the Pacific Northwest where the mountains meet the water, and the outdoor adventures are endless. Some days I imagine a bungalow in Chicago within walking distance, or a train ride, of great food and entertainment. Comfort is found in the places unknown until I realize what I'm faced with. Discontentment.

Precious time is wasted imagining the job transfers, new homes, and awaited change. My heart is longing for the contentment that only the Creator can give. My life is filled with moments, things, and people to be thankful for. And I am.

I am thankful for a loving and hardworking husband. For little superheros running through my house with "hand-gloves" on. My heart flutters to hear the early morning babbles coming from a magenta crib. While my hands clean our little home, I am beyond satisfied that there is less to clean leaving more time for play. I am humbled to have friends that take time to get to know me, and still love me once they see my flaws. More than anything I'm in awe of a gracious God that is refining me.

Our family was walking with a family friend the other day, and while I don't remember the context in which it was said, this friend said something that has given me much to think about. He said something along the lines of, "Follow your heart - yeah I'll follow my sinful heart." At the time I joked that it was the revelation of the day, but the day has turned into several days.

How many times have I heard "follow your heart" or "what do you feel in your gut?" If I truly believe that Scripture is infallible then I know that I cannot trust in my heart or my own plans to lead me. The reality of this makes me run hard and fast to Jesus, because I know apart from Him there is no goodness.

Jeremiah 17:9-10: "The human mind is more deceitful than anything else. It is incurably bad. Who can understand it? I, the Lord, probe into people’s minds. I examine people’s hearts. And I deal with each person according to how he has behaved. I give them what they deserve based on what they have done."

Ecclesiastes 9:3: "This is the unfortunate thing about everything that happens on earth: the same fate awaits everyone; The hearts of all people are full of evil, and there is madness in their hearts during their lives—then they die."

Matthew 15: 18-20: "But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these things defile a person. For out of the heart come evil ideas, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are the things that defile a person; it is not eating with unwashed hands that defiles a person.”

There is hope:

Psalm 25:8: "Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways."

Nahum 1:7: "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him."

Zechariah 9:17 For how great is his goodness, and how great his beauty! Grain shall make the young men flourish, and new wine the young women."

Exodus 34:6: "And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth"

The last couple of blogs have sparked some phone calls and emails wondering if Brandon and I are okay. We're at a strange impasse in our marriage. Life with 3 kids is hard. Being a Godly wife is a challenge. As a husband, I'm sure leading a family is difficult. It seems as though we're growing up, and putting our childish ways behind us. After five years of marriage I guess it's about time.

The Lord has been revealing a lot to me over the last two months, and I'm starting to feel the walls around my heart crumble. For years there has been a deep rooted desire to submit to my husband; however, the idea of "submitting" made the feminist in me rear it's head and proclaim my equality. It has not been through reading Scripture that my heart has been softened, or truthfully even through prayer. Our pastor has not preached a remarkable sermon on "being a Godly wife" lately; yet, I find myself desiring to serve my husband, make his home one he wants to come home to, and to encourage and acknowledge his hard work.

I could give credit to Brandon for the change I have seen in him. He has been asking for forgiveness often, understanding of my hard days and bad attitudes, and he has been helping around the house plenty. The growth I have seen in my husband has been encouraging to me, but I know that's not the sole reason for the shift our marriage.

It has been the Lord wooing my heart, healing my wounds, and changing my thoughts. I can't pin down specific times or events, but there has been this deep understanding of who God is in my life. My emotions have been softened, and my eyes have been opened when I have stopped to think about my own depravity and short-comings. Our home is changing, and Brandon and I are both learning what it is to love one another in Christ.

To my knowledge, we have not done anything to bring about this change. We have read books and been to counselors in the past, and none have had the results of what is happening now. There have been painful moments, and hours of mourning, but the joy that follows is unfathomable.

If you know us well you know this is truly a God thing. Please stand with us in prayer that this will be more than a season. Pray that God will continue this work in our hearts, and that we will receive the lessons He has for us. We also pray that our friends and family have this experience.

Thanks for the calls and emails. We love our brothers and sisters in Christ that are willing to go the distance with us.

the dripping of the faucet
drives any man to madness
finding defeat in his attempts
she grumbles at the effort
hope is splashing down the drain
with every leaking complaint
he has walked into his desert

the hoarseness of her voice
reveal the burden of her words
never ceasing, rarely gracious
he climbs the ladder
makes a pallet atop shingles
from his pillow he counts the stars
certain her dissatisfaction is greater

With futile attempts to please
he realizes he's grasping at oil;
trying to calm the wild winds
she cannot see his love
so he performs to exhaustion
and his role and honor are lost
perpetuating her disrespect

From John Piper's website: Desiring God

That is the title of a sermon I preached January 17, 1993, three days before Bill Clinton was inaugurated president. It is just as relevant—or more—today.

The text was 1 Peter 2:17, “Honor the king.” I closed with eight ways to honor a pro-choice president. The seventh was this:

We will honor you by expecting from you straightforward answers to straightforward questions. We would not expect this from a con-man, but we do expect it from an honorable man.


For example,

1. Are you willing to explain why a baby's right not to be killed is less important than a woman's right not to be pregnant?

2. Or are you willing to explain why most cities have laws forbidding cruelty to animals, but you oppose laws forbidding cruelty to human fetuses? Are they not at least living animals?

3. Or are you willing to explain why government is unwilling to take away the so-called right to abortion on demand even though it harms the unborn child; yet government is increasingly willing to take away the right to smoke, precisely because it harms innocent non-smokers, killing 3,000 non-smokers a year from cancer and as many as 40,000 non-smokers a year from other diseases?

4. And if you say that everything hangs on whether the fetus is a human child, are you willing to go before national television in the oval office and defend your support for the "Freedom of Choice Act" by holding in your hand a 21 week old fetus and explaining why this little one does not have the fundamental, moral, and constitutional right to life? Are you willing to say to parents in this church who lost a child at that age and held him in their hands, this being in your hands is not and was not a child with any rights of its own under God or under law?

Perhaps you have good answers to each of these questions. We will honor you by expecting you to defend your position forthrightly in the public eye.

You have immense power as President of the United States. To wield it against the protection of the unborn without giving a public accounting in view of moral and scientific reality would be dishonorable. We will honor you by expecting better."

From Rocks in My Dryer:

"Mom," he asked, "is Christmas stressful?"

I looked at him quizzically.

"I mean," he continued, in a classic example of pre-adolescent understatement, "you've just seemed a little tense lately. Is Christmas stressful for you?"

I took a deep breath, a breath I should've taken about a month ago.

No, I told him. Christmas is not stressful. Christmas is holy. People are stressful. I am stressful. I take what is lovely and, whether by accident or design, I cover it with expectations and selfishness and over-committment and who knows what else. What is lovely gets lost.

Well, not really. It's never lost. Maybe my line of vision gets skewed. Maybe my hurried heart falters. But what is lovely and precious and staggering about this most holy time? It's still there. He is still there. In the manger. In the heavens. In my fickle heart.

Last year at this time Brandon and I went through our hardest financial time to date. We lost a months worth of pay because of a change in jobs, my sister was diagnosed with cancer, and Brandon was in a car accident. I wanted to turn in my "grown-up card," but the Lord began to tenderly speak to me about provision. He also continually challenged me to "consider the birds." (Matthew 6:26).

Tonight I must pause and share the ways we have been blessed in the last two months. I'm not one to talk about money or "things", but what has happened in our lives has floored me. The Lord has so sweetly taken care of us. I pray that God receives all of the glory for the blessings I'm about to share.


1) Refrigerator - In the beginning of October I told Brandon that I would like, though we didn't need, a new refrigerator. Ours works, and keeps things cold, but the ice maker is broken and it's starting to show some major signs of age. A few days later, Brandon's boss approached him, and asked if we would like his 4-year-old Whirlpool fridge for free. He's updating his kitchen and thought he would ask. Um, yes. Thank you!

2) Washer Dryer - At the end of October the Sears Outlet was having a great sale. I told Brandon that we should consider going because our washer and dryer are older than us. We're cloth diapering and if our washer and dryer went out that would be bad. He said we should wait. The Black Friday ad came out, and a washer and dryer that were originally $1400 were marked down to $599. We decided for the first time in our marriage to charge something large to our credit card. Go to #3.

3) Brandon's Bonus - The following Monday Brandon goes into work, and finds out that he's getting a bonus that will cover the cost of our washer and dryer.

4) Christmas Lights - The week after Thanksgiving I told Brandon that I wanted to watch the after Christmas sales for white globe lights for our house. He of course said, "Okay...." A few minutes later I logged onto an online forum I'm on and someone was giving them away for free. This seems silly, but in that moment I felt like God really cares about the silly small things - like Christmas lights.

5) A massive amount of toys - The same week I picked up the lights I stopped by a friend's house to borrow a book, and their neighbor had piles and piles of toys in their front yard. There was a toy I had been eyeing for Selah, but couldn't justify (and didn't have)$70 to spend on it, so I walked up to see what they were planning to do with the toys. They were suppose to be donated, but the people never picked them up. The lady told me if I would donate what I didn't want that I could take them all. A friend and I loaded up BOTH of our SUVs full of toys. In there was the toy I wanted for Selah, the barn and trike I wanted for Josiah, a bunch of wooden puzzles (if you know me - you know this is huge), and a bunch of Cars stuff for Elias. All of the toys were in new condition. It was crazy!

6) Brandon's Christmas Party - Aside from the wonderful dinner, fun party and free stay at a hotel, Brandon's co-worker just happened to draw our table's slip of paper in a drawing for some mall gift cards totalling $75.

7) Brandon is now in transportation sales, and brokers loads to carriers. Quite a few of these carriers have sent gifts (permitted by company) to our family. So far we have received generous gift cards from Macy's and Kohl's, and an Amex Card. We have also been sent wonderful baskets from the California wine country.

8) This evening I was going through the mail opening Christmas cards, and "the Lord laid it on the heart" of some our family friends to bless us with a very generous check. I sat and looked at the check and cried.

I'm grateful. I'm in awe of God. We don't understand the Lord's ways, but we're thankful. Our needs, and even our wants, have been met and yet we still say HE is enough. We praise Him for who He is. My spirit cries out and thanks Jesus for the hard times. It is during those times I learn to trust and find out what is important, and it is during the season of blessing that I am truly humbled by His provision.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

I'm growing weary from sarcasm, and find myself slipping back into old patterns. I used to have a terrible habit of using sarcasm to say what I was feeling or thinking without having to be vulnerable. Sarcasm enables me to hide from confrontation, disguise my opinion, and quite frankly I don't think it looks pretty on anyone. Back to square one.

Over the last few months I have started to lose my desire to please people. For years I have begged the Lord to help me overcome my fear of man, and to help me walk in the confidence of the person I know myself to be. Well it's happening and it is strange for me to go through.

I find myself wearing the outfit I love even though I know Brandon doesn't like it. I'm admitting, without a list of reasons, that I don't really like music. I have started to say "excuse me" instead of "I'm sorry" when I take up too much space in the grocery store isles. When people ask me my opinion I'm learning to share it with tact but without apology.

I have tried to analyze the many reasons for the shift in my thinking , and much of my desired change came with the birth of my daughter. If I want my daughter to grow up as a Godly, confident, strong, and free thinking woman then I must strive, by the grace of God, to be that person myself. I will give Selah her first idea of what a woman is, and knowing those little eyes are watching makes me rush to Jesus.

In the last week I have also prayed that God keep my eyes on Him and not on Selah. I can't change because Selah needs me to be different. Change must come because God has given me a little girl to train up in His ways, and His kingdom is upside down from the world in which we live.

It will take time to undo what I have told myself people want from me. Days, months, or years may come and go before I erase from my mind what society tells me women are meant to be. I may always struggle with my self image; however, I am willing to fight this war if it means my daughter doesn't have to.

I work hard as a wife. I obsess about the Mom that I am and will someday become. I treasure my friends. I desperately miss our family. I am passionate about women's wellness issues. I indulge in good books, the internet, delicious food, and exercise.

I ignore the source of all of this goodness. The gifts He has given I think I somehow deserve. I even lust for more. I walk away from His voice. I challenge His will. I intentionally rebel. I fail to repent.

Yet, He remains. He's there when I cannot or will not call. He listens when I wail. He holds me when I'm void. He loves me enough to discipline me. He's strong when I quit.

Over my shoulder, in front of my face

I ignore the prompting, yet You remain

Longing for intimacy, the Father's embrace.

Shame of my denial, Your comforting peace

Doubting salvation, then there's Your grace

It seems like the appreciation for God's provision can so easily slip my mind. I get caught up in the desire for material or tangible things and lose sight of the importance of the blessings I already have in my life. So as of today there will be a new list on my fridge, "Everything We Need We Already Have!" It is my goal to have every talking person in our family to put a new thing on the list everyday.

I'll post the start of our list, and hopefully if you're reading you'll add your own!

Everything I Need I Already Have!

- Great Husband

- A home that is cozy and shelters us well

- Two amazing kids & another on the way

- Clothes that serve their purpose

- Incredible Friends

- A job for Brandon to go to everyday

- We are all very healthy

- I'm able to be a stay-at-home-mom

- Healthy food to serve my family

- A dependable gas guzzler.....grrrr, car :)

Your turn...

i’ll cautiously live in the white and tremble at the thought of gray. my hands will lift at the right moment, and my feet shuffle to the appropriate tune; however, i will guard my brothers against the possibility of viewing my femininity in such movements. adventure and longing for the things unknown will be stifled if it means depriving myself in the joy of things distant from the god you preach. i will attempt to hold my head high in humility and yet find my identity in the savior you don’t seem to understand. the checklist of what i have done wrong and the sins i have avoided will be pinned to my shirt. i will condemn my actions as i lay on my pillow, because i have seemingly found myself cursed. my lips did not pray, my heart did not sing, and my rebellious eyes turned from the book that is meant to lead me. tomorrow, if i promise to be good, maybe i will find favor with the god you have placed in a box.

Idle Hands


Resting is a good thing, but laziness is my ally. I find 1,001 ways to become distracted from my "To-Do List," and 1,002 ways to justify my lack of motivation. Before signs of false repentance appear I will stop.

The last two months I felt and experienced the "alluring" of God into the wilderness. He has given me much hope and comfort in Hosea 2. My eyes have been opened to my idolatry and the many ways I have rejected my first LOVE. Below is a teaching that I came across that is beautiful, profound, and humbling,

Hosea 2 - Sin, Judgment, and Restoration

1. (14-15) Abundance and joy restored.

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.”

a. I will allure her . . . speak comfort to her: Once Israel has felt the discomfort of her deprivation, then she will listen to the voice of God once again, and He will allure her back to Himself.

i. Spurgeon on I will allure her: “This is a singular kind of power: ‘I will allure her;’ not, ‘I will drive her’ not even, ‘I will draw her,’ or, ‘I will drag her;’ or, ‘I will force her.’ No, ‘I will allure her.’ It is a very remarkable word, and it teaches us that the allurement of love surpasses in power all other forces. That is how the devil ruins us; he tempts us with honeyed words, sweet utterances, with the baits of pleasure and the like; and the Lord in mercy determines that, in all truthfulness, he will outbid the devil, and he will win us to himself by fascinations, enticements, and allurements which shall be stronger than any force of resistance we may offer. This is a wonderfully precious word: ‘I will allure her.’”

b. The Valley of Achor as a door of hope: Achor means “trouble,” so the Valley of Achor is the “Valley of Trouble.” It was a place of trouble, where Achan’s sin was discovered and judged (Joshua 7:26). God’s restoration is so great that He will transform the “Valley of Trouble” into a door of hope.

c. She shall sing there, as in the days of her youth: When Israel is restored, she will be restored to joy. The passing pleasures of sin are forgotten and the true pleasures of God are restored.

2. (16-20) Relationship restored.

“And it shall be, in that day,” says the Lord, “That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer call Me ‘My Master,’ For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, and they shall be remembered by their name no more. In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, with the birds of the air, and with the creeping things of the ground. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth, to make them lie down safely. I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.

a. You will call Me “My Husband”: With great anticipation, God looks forward to the day when relationship is genuinely restored with His people. He wants an intimate love-relationship with His people, and longs for the day when His people will have a marriage-like love and commitment to their God.

b. And not longer call Me “My Master”: God was not satisfied with a fear-based, obedience-focused relationship with His people where they thought of Him primarily as Master. He wanted a relationship where they thought of Him primarily as Husband.

c. I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals: In Hebrew, the name “Baal” comes from the word “Master” and the two words sound alike. It was the Baals, the idols of the nations, that wanted this “master-slave” relationship with man. But not the Lord God; He wants a love-based, commitment-based relationship with His people.

d. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth: Ultimately, this blessing of restored relationship will result in a transformed earth, changed both ecologically (beasts of the field . . . birds of the air) and politically. This blessing will be fulfilled in the millennial earth, but we can come to know the transforming power of restored relationship right now.

e. I will betroth you to Me forever: When relationship with the Lord is ultimately restored, it will never be broken again. Relationship will be restored on a solid foundation (In righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy), and will result in deeper and deeper relationship (you shall know the Lord).

3. (21-23) Blessing restored.

“It shall come to pass in that day that I will answer,” says the Lord; “I will answer the heavens, and they shall answer the earth. The earth shall answer with grain, with new wine, and with oil; they shall answer Jezreel. Then I will sow her for Myself in the earth, and I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy; then I will say to those who were not My people, ‘You are My people!’ and they shall say, ‘You are my God!’“

a. I will answer: This is great blessing of real, vibrant relationship with God. Our hearts beat in rhythm to His, and so we want what He wants. So when we ask God to do things, we already ask what He wants to do - so He will answer.

i. This is the same principle Jesus taught: If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. (John 15:7)

b. The earth shall answer with grain, with new wine, and with oil: When relationship is where it is supposed to be, God abundantly provides. This is the same principle Jesus taught in Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

c. They shall answer Jezreel: The name “Jezreel” means “Scattered,” and could be used in a negative sense (as in Hosea 1:4-5). But it was also the word used to describe the good scattering of seed, “Sowing.” Here, the Lord promises glorious redemption of the name Jezreel, which was first given as a sober reminder of scattering in judgment. Now it becomes a prophecy of the promise, “I will sow her for Myself in the earth.” God will restore His people to abundance and blessing. Scattering will be transformed into sowing.

d. And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy: Hosea’s second child, a daughter, was named Lo-Ruhamah, meaning “No Mercy” (Hosea 1:6). That name, originally given as a marker of judgment is now transformed into a mark of restoration.

e. Then I will say to those who were not My people, “You are My people!” Hosea’s third child, a son, was named Lo-Ammi, meaning “Not My People” (Hosea 1:9). That name, originally given as a marker of judgment, is now transformed into a mark of restoration.

f. And they shall say, “You are my God!” With this, the restoration is complete. The Lord relates to His people as their God, and His people relate to Him as His people. This is relationship, full of warmth and love, and what God longs for.

i. Think about it: Which one of the pagan gods of the nations ever wanted the love of their followers? Which of them ever asked, “Do you love me?” False gods don’t want our love, they want our fear, our obedience, our slave-like sacrifice and devotion. But the true God, the living God, isn’t satisfied with just our fear, our obedience, or even with our slave-like sacrifice and devotion. He wants our love, freely given and enjoyed in relationship with Him. If we miss this, we miss the heart of God’s work in us and for us.

ii. We see complete restoration. All three of Hosea’s children, named as marks of judgment, now have their names restored and made into marks of mercy, grace, and restoration. God is that good!